Iām not allowed to have an opinion.
He doesnāt like it when I speak my mind.
He thinkās Iām bitching at him.
In truth Iām not.
Iām not used to not being able to say the things I want.
I have to think really hard about the things Iām about to say in order to not offend him
. He getās offended really easily.
It really is all about him. Heās changed so much from when I first met him.
I can remember what his hands felt like as he strangled me,
I couldnāt breathe and my eyeās were going funny.
He was screaming at me that he was going to kill me.
All I could think of was that I didnāt want to die in the bathroom and that my leg was hurting
. I felt like I was going to die,
I didnāt want to.
The left side of my face stung from where he slapped me
, that slap made me lose half a molar.
Heās kicked, punched, and nearly killed me.
Heās tried to stab me with anything from a butter knife to a meat cleaver
me trying in vain to protect myself with a half painted canvas..
I shit you not.
I cant leave him.
Heās psychotic.
I wont deny it.
He has problems.
Problems I didnāt know about when I first met him.
Problems I wouldnāt want any part of if I had known about them before hand.
I honestly thought he had crazy eyes..
That was it.
I cant sleep properly.
Not in fear that heās going to smother me in my sleep.
But in fear of everything.
I hate being alone now
. Heās made me paranoid.
Paranoid about everything.
I donāt want to live like this,
but I cant get away.
Heās like an addiction I will never fully kick.
I donāt want to be that girl.
I donāt.
I cant.
I can remember saying I will never be the girl that gets pushed around and beaten down.
But I am.
Itās sad.
Itās horrible.
He sayās he cares
He does wonderful things for me.
We have a little girl together.
He does a lot of good things, but heās evil.
Heās the devil in disguise.
Itās horrible when he touches me after heās hurt me.
Its been this way for a while.
I donāt want him to touch me.
I want to say leave me alone.
He orderās me to lay next to him.
I often think about running out the front door..
I didnāt have a baby then.
I lay next to him.
He runās his hand up my leg, over my hips and grabs at my breastās.
Make up sexā¦
with a twist.
Itās not passionate.
It doesnāt scream Iām sorry.
Itās pure fucking.
Hard and fast.
Tears and blood.
My face in a pillow and my ass getting slapped.
Itās confusing.
He thinkās heās punishing me.
According to society though heās abusing me.
I know it. Iām not silly.
Iāve tried to leave him.
It didnāt work. He thought I was going to clean out his bank accountās and had them all frozen.
We got the new ATM cards in the mail 4 dayās later.
He told me he would make it hard to leave him.
He meant it.
Iāve given up trying.
Iāve lost friends.
Iāve been upset.
Iāve been angry to the point where I just scream.
Iāve been scared and humiliated.
But Iām still alive.
Heās an excellent father and an amazing lover.
When thingās go to his advantage.
Nothing pointās in my favour.
I have no job. He does.
I have no savings. He does.
I have nothing. He has everything.
Iāve been told to shut up and take it.
To say yes to everything.
Give in and give him my all.
Iāve tried. Itās just not me.
Iām not submissive enough for his liking.
Heās told me.
Iām not supposed to cry.
He likes it when Iām weak.
He loves it when Iām powerless.
Iām nothing. I feel so small.
He can slap me and call me a slut.
I take it.
I do it everyday.
Night comes again.
I lie in bed naked next to him.
He pinches my skin.
Sometimes depending on his mood he runs a blade over my thighs.
He pulls my hair and whispers āSlutā
Thatās my queue to suck his dick.
I didnāt get down there fast enough.
He slaps me hard.
Grabs my hair and yanks my head down.
He rams his dick down my throat.
I gag.
Tears run down my face.
Iām choking.
I hate it when he does this.
He fuckās my head.
Slamming his dick further down my throat.
Heās moaning.
Heās close.
He explodes in my mouth.
I look up at him.
Heās waiting.
I swallow his load and open my mouth.
He loves it when I prove it.
He knowās how much I hate swallowing.
I donāt know why I do it.
It makes him happy.
I like it when heās happy.
It makes me happy.
I close my eyes as he walks away.
I wipe my mouth on the covers of the bed.
He comes back to thebed.
Iām laying there. Unmoving.
His eyes travel the length of my body.
He has a crazy look in his eyes again.
I know whats coming.
I donāt like it.
He lays beside me.
Kisses me on the lips and rolls over.
I wait until his breathing has evened out.
I know I can sleep now.
He has rules.
I must follow.
I have to be what he wants.
When he wants.
How he wants.
I close my eyes.
Tomorrow might be different.
I hope it wont start like today.
I drift off to sleep.
I know I will wake up to him touching me.
Weāll fuck again.
Like we do everyday.
There might be a different story to tell tomorrow night.
